I experienced sex with a guy – may I remain a lesbian?

I experienced sex with a guy – may I remain a lesbian?

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I’ve for ages been drawn to girls but my moms and dads are homophobic, therefore I started venturing out with dudes and label myself directly. We still felt a plain thing for females but hated it and attempted to ignore it. Once I finally had intercourse with a person, i did not enjoy it but thought that was normal. I quickly developed feelings for my feminine closest friend, and so I arrived on the scene as bisexual.

I continued dating guys but my longest relationship had been per week because We felt so uncomfortable having a boyfriend. I usually saw myself with girls, not dudes. Simply more than a 12 months ago, we stopped labelling myself as bi and lastly arrived on the scene as being a lesbian. But many individuals are telling me personally that i can not phone myself lesbian because I experienced intercourse with some guy before. Am I a lesbian?


Are you currently a lesbian? Yes. You determine who you really are. It is not up for any other visitors to debate.

You are very clear about making sense of your own sexuality, within a context of growing up in a homophobic family if you read your message over again.

It may be quite easy for outsiders to evaluate and inform you how to proceed – be your moms and dads causing you to afraid of one’s sex. Or buddies or fans saying may very well not be right, you can’t be a lesbian either.

N certainly one of this is certainly helpful, nor specially best for your psychological state.

A lot of women in your position either avoid relationships entirely, or do they have relationships with men, even though they’re not attracted to them as you did.

In a few nations it is really not safe to complete such a thing apart from this, and I also frequently hear from women that’ve been married they either had no other safe choice – or assumed they were the only person in the world to have same-sex desires because they felt.

S ome women that compose in my opinion proudly determine by themselves as bi. But often they normally use this term because since they had intercourse with guys – either by option, customized, expectation, or danger.

Right right right Here, they don’t actually really start thinking about by themselves bi within the truest feeling of the term – like in they truly are interested in individuals of various genders. Alternatively, they’re describing sex that is having guys while actually just attempting to be with ladies. That sounds a complete great deal such as your situation.

Offered exactly exactly how, in lots of nations and communities, ladies are not in a position to live authentic lives due to individual safety, gender violence hot blonde sex, and homo/biphobia, it’s cruel to label them as maybe perhaps not being truly a ‘proper lesbian’ or deny their experiences in addition to journey they usually have taken fully to arrive at being available and comfortable about their sex.

W hile you’dn’t determine yourself as bi, you can find ladies who accomplish that additionally face prejudice. Once more, in a few cultures ladies might be interested in individuals of various genders but nonetheless need to be with guys for reasons of individual security or family members respectability and tradition.

Bi ladies could also simply be capable of being with guys if they would like otherwise, or be obligated in order to avoid relationships entirely. And the ones who do turn out as bi may face prejudice through the community that is straight along with off their gays and lesbians. This is certainly also one thing you’ve got additionally noticed.

There was a expression ‘gold celebrity lesbian’ (aka ‘golden standard lesbian’) that means women that’ve only ever slept with females. Often it is utilized as a slur against lesbians, and often it really is employed by individuals into the community that is LGBTQ judge women that have been in lesbian relationships presently but have now been with a person in past times.

We t’s a toxic label. Many seriously it can absolutely nothing to help lesbian, bi or queer ladies who’ve been raped or sexually abused by guys. But it addittionally does not take into account ladies who are lesbian but might have been previously held it’s place in a relationship with a person – perhaps gladly or maybe perhaps maybe not.

N or does it account fully for women that turn out in subsequent life – either since they only realised they were lesbian in their midlife or senior years because they couldn’t safely do so beforehand or. There are ladies who have been in relationships with ladies but try not to like labels at all.

Many people may also assume they truly are lesbian, but later determine they’ve been bi, or right. And where individuals change genders, then directly, gay or men that are bi have formerly resided as lesbian females. Or lesbians might find by by themselves dropping for a trans guy. Or a person that is genderqueer. Or. Well, life – and love – occurs.

In the event that you or other’s reading want additional support, the next organisations can help:

Switchboard (LGBT Helpline)

You understand who you really are. You’re able to decide what to call your self. No body else.

If individuals make these feedback it is possible to ignore them, because they’re either being ignorant about sex, or attempting to be unkind for you. Like it, you could point out what you’ve told me, you were raised in a homophobic environment that made coming out when you wanted to impossible, but you have now done so and you are very happy with your life if you feel.

We f a ‘friend’ or potential partner keeps making unkind remarks regarding the sex once you understand complete well it distresses you, then see this as being a flag that is red. You do not need them near you.

There isn’t any unique official certification programme of ‘authentic lesbianism’. You are free to state who you really are – and I also have always been delighted at this point you feel able and safe for this.

Petra Boynton is just a psychologist that is social intercourse researcher employed in International healthcare and studying intercourse and relationships. This woman is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.

Email your sex and relationships questions in confidence to: agony. Aunt@telegraph.co.uk

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